Mom, Can You Love Me?

Hello Mom.

Mom, did you remember? When you brought me to this world. I was very happy. But I cried. Why? Because I was scared. I’m scared of this life. I’m so scared Mom. I’m scared, you’re not happy for having me. But I’m thankful, you’re there to make me calm.

Did you remember? Ahh.. Sorry. I know we didn’t have a lot of memories to share. I wanted to say so much things that time. When I was not even 6 months old. But, you became so busy. Because of that thing! That thing replaced me! I was there, in your comfortable and warm belly. But, why that thing live there too??? Why she took my place…

You’re so busy… You need to take care of her. Like what you’ve done to me. But, I need you. I need you to take care of me. I don’t want babysitters! I want you! I need you to take care of me. Please mom… I’m here! Look at me.

What a surprise! You gave me a lil sister. She’s cute. I think I like her. I’ll be nice to her. Now, you can take care of me right? No? Why? Because of her? Again? But, she’s not in your belly anymore. It’s my turn!

Ugh… I’m not like her! We are different. Why did you keep buying us the same clothes? Okay… I will wear it, because I want to make you proud. Look at me! Am I pretty??? Look mom. Look!

I want you to milk me and feed me. I don’t want babysitter! I want my mom. Why you’re so unhappy with me? Why you didn’t take care of me? Because of her? I like her. But, she’s not as good as you think mom.

Did you remember when you’re so angry at me because she break the glass, then she told you that I’m the one that order her to do that? She’s lying. I don’t know anything about that. Why you didn’t believe me? I did no wrong. Why you’re mad at me? Why mom… Why you didn’t listen to me…

Did you remember when you hit me very hardly? I remember that. In our new house. Your new house. I think I was about 8 years old that time. You were praying. I wasn’t know that you’re praying. Then, I left the door open. I lay on my bed, then you came into my room. You hitted me hardly with your very angry face.

I don’t know what I did wrong. Why you’re so angry? But I know that I did something wrong. And, I know that it’s really hurt. And, I was shocked. I don’t know that leave the door open while you’re praying is a bad mistake. And I’m really sorry for that.

Did you remember, when daddy was so mad at me and her? I think I was about 10 years old that time. Daddy hitted me 10 times. He used that long steel stick. And, it was really hurts. You know what’s worse?

I saw you. I saw you there. Standing behind Daddy. Just starring at me and her. Why you didn’t help us? I don’t know what I did wrong. But I remember that moment. And yes, I can’t forget that.

I know you’re really sorry ‘bout that. I forgive you and Daddy. I’ve tried to forget that. But, your eyes… I think I’ve lost your love. All I do was cry. I just, I can’t forget that moment. But I swear, I’ve prayed to God to forget it and I’ve tried my very best to forgive you and Daddy for everything.

But, Mom… Why you can’t realize this. I need your love. I don’t need to be rich. I never ask for it. I don’t want your store, hotels, jewelry, money, houses, I don’t want them. I don’t need them.

In fact, I’m begging to God. I’m begging for your Love. What’s a family, if there’s no love inside it? What is a family if there’s no harmony in it? I’ve tried to create it. But, I think we’re not that kind of family right?

You put my room on the upstairs and never visited me. I’m fine with that. I think alone suits me really nicely. Now, I don’t even care if you want to visit me or not. I don’t even want you to visit me. Because it’ll hurt me.

Did you know… You’re a liar. You remember, when Sonia got a new pink Swarovski pen from you? I want a Swarovski pen too. But I don’t like pink color. Then I told you “Mom, I want a Swarovski pen too.” Then you said “I only have one. And I got it from someone else.”

The I said “But I want the purple one. Not the pink one.” Then fastly you responded “See. I know you didn’t want that pink pen. Mom knows what you like.”

Actually, I know you’re lying. You said that to make me feel better. You wanted me to think that you didn’t forget me. But I know mom. I know you’re lying. How? I see you. I know you. Even if you don’t know me.

Remember when we were in Singapore? I was very happy. I felt that you care of me. But, I want to spen my time with you. I want to be with you. Just us. But it can never happen right. You don’t want me. Stupid, I still think that one day you’ll love me.

It’s all so clear. You never want me. I asked you once. “Mom, when you were pregnant, do you want a boy? Not a girl?” and you answered. “Boy or Girl, it’s same for me.” I was so glad that time.

But, who wants a girl? If you really accept me, why did you try to make a baby again? You’ve destroyed me. I’ve think about that for years. And I’ve tried to fix it all. I want to make you proud.

I studied very hard. So I can get a good grades. So you’ll be proud. I tried to be more girly, so I will looks pretty. So you can tell your friends about me and didn’t feel embarrassed of me. I do my best to hide my tires from you. So you don’t have to worry about me.

But mom, it’s actually really hurts. I know I’m not perfect. You’ve told me about your friend’s daughter. I know you wanted me to be like her. But I can’t. I can’t be someone else. I am me. God created me this way.

No mom. I can’t change. I don’t want to. God said that I have to be proud of myself. He said that he created me this way for something. I know I am different. And I know you didn’t like my personality. But, did you forgot who thought me all of that?

Right, Not you. But the babysitter. See, what’s my memories with you? All I want is a happy family. I choose to be poor but loved, than rich but unhappy. I don’t ask you to love me or always be there for me because I know that you aren’t proud to have me. But please, just look at me! Just see what I’ve achieve. My ranks, my society life. Please accept me as who I am. Please don’t ask me to be like your friend’s daughter. Because I will never be like her.

If you can’t accept me this way. You better kill me. Because I have no reason to life if my own mother couldn’t accept me. I do feel sorry for all I’ve done. And I know you felt disappointed because I became me. You’re also jealous of your friends who has a beautiful smart daughter.

But God didn’t created me that way. You didn’t do what your friends do. You can’t be like your friends. Even if you know them very well. And you want me to be like your friend’s daughter? I don’t even know how they look or their name.

The point off all of this is… I’m so sorry mom. I’m sorry I was born first. I’m sorry I can’t be your dream girl. I’m sorry, I came to your life too early. I’m so sorry I’m not a boy. I’m sorry I can’t  make you proud. I’m sorry I can’t change myself. I’m sorry for being me. I’m sorry I can’t stop crying. I’m sorry I can’t stop remembering. I’m sorry I can’t stop dreaming.

I’m so sorry I never understand how you express your love. I’m sorry if sometimes I become so damn sucks. Most of all, I’m sorry because I can’t stop. I can’t stop loving you. I can’t stop trying to make you notice me. I just… I can’t stop trying to forgive you. Even if it’s always hurt me. I can’t stop mom. No matter how many times you hurt me. I can never stop loving you.

I’m so sorry if you didn’t like the article or if I type something wrong. I don’t mean to hurt anybody. I know it’s so dramatic. But I just hope this article could inspire you and open your heart more.

Thanks for reading. ^-^